


Run

by ecaracap



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Anxiety, Awkwardness, Bisexual Evan Hansen, Connor and Evan hang out, Depression, Friends to Lovers, Galaxy Girls if you squint, Gay Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Murphy Siblings Talk, POV Connor, Running, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-22
Updated: 2018-09-24
Packaged: 2019-07-01 06:45:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15768744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ecaracap/pseuds/ecaracap
Summary: Connor's mom forces him to do a lot of activities. Running is the one he finally enjoys.





	1. ONE

_ Clink, clink, clink, clink, clink. _

Connor’s keys smack against his leg as his shoes thump along the pavement. His arms pump, breath heaving, hair flying in his face as he runs towards nothing, away from everything. Looking out their windows, his neighbors would see a skinny teenage boy in jeans and a ripped jacket appearing to be running for his life.

Running became a part of Connor’s life by a process of elimination. Cynthia Murphy had read that exercise was helpful for depression, so she had forced Connor into his fair share of sports. It began with weight lifting, which Connor found more tedious than soothing. He enjoyed the burn of weight lifting, but struggled to find the patience to complete multiple reps in such stationary activity. The weights were taken away when he accidentally threw a kettle bell into the wall.

Next, was yoga; more specifically, hot yoga. Cynthia was a fan of hot yoga herself, so she brought Connor with her to a few sessions. He would never admit this to anyone, even his mother, but he didn’t hate hot yoga as much as he let on. The regulated breathing and just-right stretching actually did a lot to calm him down. But when his mom started to peg all her hopes on hot yoga  _ fixing _ him, he started refusing to go with her anymore. He still pulls up a yoga video in his room every once in awhile when he feels stressed out.

After that it was swimming. Connor didn’t so much mind swimming either: it was hard work, refreshing, and gave him a killer body. It was just the process of getting his things together, driving all the way to the pool and back that made him stop. Even if he left his bag in the car, when he was feeling angry enough to throw something or too depressed to get out of bed, the last thing he wanted to do was go through the trouble of making his way to the pool. 

He realized he needed something active that he could do anywhere, anytime. Running then became the solution. It started by accident after his most recent brush with death. He would frequently take walks after getting into fights with his parents. But one night, right after he returned from the hospital, after his dad heavily implied that he was exaggerating things more than necessary, he left. His entire body felt like it was electrified with anger, that the only thing he felt he could do was run. He ran all the way out to the woods, practically crying from the flurry of emotions and the unexpected physical exertion. When he made his way home, however, he felt completely drained...and no longer upset.

Which is why, tonight, Connor literally runs for his life. He had overheard Zoe telling her friends how scared she was to be in her own house and she was considering running away. It hit him like a punch in the gut. Anger and guilt seethed coursed through him.  _ Why the fuck should Zoe be the one to run away? Get away from this family, while he was trapped? He’s the one that caused her so much pain. He was the one she was terrified of. If he was gone, she’d finally be alright _ .

So Connor left. He let his legs guide him. Muscles straining, eyes stinging, but mind finally blank. His chest burned, but the ache was all he could focus on now. By the time he stopped, he wasn’t even sure where he was anymore. Still in a neighborhood, but not one he recognized. He doubled over in pain, a stitch in his stomach causing him to nearly vomit. As he gasps for breath, he hears a crack of a branch near him.

He looks around but doesn’t see anything. As he finally regulates his breathing, stretching his back, he hears another rustle of leaves. But it’s not a squirrel that jumps down: it’s another teenage boy. The two boys lock eyes for a few moments, neither saying anything. Connor recognizes him as the kid he shoved like a week ago. The kid who was making fun of him. The kid who had his fucking name on his cast.

Connor barks at him, trying to add as much bite to it as possible in his current condition, “What the fuck are you looking at?”


	2. TWO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan invites Connor in for some water and awkward conversation.

This kid - Evan, Connor remembers - starts to stammer mindlessly. “I-- no, I was,” he points back at the tree, “I was just...up there.”

“What, were you watching me? Fucking perv,” Connor shoots back automatically, as he clutches a cramp in his side.

“No!” Evan puts up his hands in defense, “I was just...sitting there. Thinking.”

Connor struggles to breath, but nods, “Uh huh. Okay.” He leans over, his hands on his knees, as he suppresses the urge to vomit. Evan is suddenly right next to him before he even notices, looking like he’s thinking about touching him.

“Are you...alright?” Evan asks, reaching out a hand, but taking it back just as quickly.

“I’m fine,” Connor breaths, waving him away. He attempts to take a deep, albeit shaky breath, but it’s harder than he imagined. Has he ever run this far before? Ever run this fast? He’s not sure, which is probably why he feels like he’s dying right now.

“You look like you might pass out,” Evan says, his hands out like he’s poised to catch Connor if he falls. “You can come in...for a little bit? Have some water?”

Before he can think it through entirely, Connor nods. His legs are shaky enough as it is and he’s not sure he can even walk home. 

Evan smiles nervously and nods, “I can drive you home too. After-- after the water.” He leads Connor into his empty house, over to the couch where Connor flops down gratefully. He spreads out, laying down across the couch, as Evan brings him a glass of ice water.

“Can you-- sit up?” Evan asks, wincing at the request, “Cause my mom wouldn’t like if I spilled on the couch.”

Connor sighs, sitting up, holding a hand out expectantly for the water. As soon as Evan hands it to him, he chugs, faster than necessary. He hadn’t realized how thirsty he was. Though he imagines running this far would do that to him.  _ Maybe I should run away. _

“So…” Evan asks carefully, sitting down on the other end of the couch, “Why-- um, how did you end up all the way over here? You don’t live around here…”

“You know where I live?” Connor looks over at the other boy, his eyes narrow. He almost forgot: this was the kid who was like... _ stalking _ Zoe or something

But Evan’s eyes go wide, shaking his head, “No! I just-- um...I know you don’t live around here. You never rode the bus.”

“Oh,” Connor says, the spark of anger ebbing away, “Yeah, no, I live...further away.”

“Are you training for a marathon or something?” he asks, with a hint of sarcasm in his voice, “Because you might want to get some different gear. I don’t think Converse has good shock absorption.”

Connor can’t help the little laugh that escapes his lips, looking down at his shoes, his feet pulsing in pain at the thought, “Uh, it wasn’t a planned thing. I just kind of...left.”

“Ah,” Evan says, nodding in understanding, “Sometimes, I like to just...walk. There’s a nice walking trail close by. Lots of dense trees. Easy to climb.”

“Do you have like...a boner for trees or something?” Connor questions with a smile of his own.

“Wh-what?” Evan says, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. He shakes his head quickly, “No, I just-- it’s, um...I like trees.” Connor raises his eyebrows suggestively. “Not-- not like that. I mean, like...I like being outdoors. The trees are...calming. They calm me down. When I get...anxious.”

Connor nods - now he understands. The way Evan fidgets all the time, the stuttering, Connor knows Evan’s always been a little high strung. He should probably do anything to make him calmer. “Running calms me down,” Connor tells him, “Like, when I’ve been angry and I run, it...I feel better after.”

Evan smiles, nodding, “Yeah. Trees are...kind of like running. For me.” 

Connor nods as well, holding his glass out to Evan for a refill. He watches Evan go get him some more water and he wonders how he could have gotten so angry at this kid. But he remembers the letter again.

“What the fuck was up with that letter you wrote?” Connor asks him bluntly, taking the next glass of water from Evan.

Evan sputters, nearly dropping the glass. “I-- um,” he says, shrugging, sitting down heavily, “It’s, um-- it’s something I do? Write letters to myself.”

“That’s some fucked up shit,” Connor says dubiously, taking another deep drink.

“It’s for therapy,” Evan says quickly, wringing his hands together.

This gives Connor pause and he stops drinking.  _ Evan’s in therapy? _ Although, thinking about it, it makes perfect sense. “My mom made me do yoga sometimes. For therapy.”

Evan chuckles softly, nervously, “Did it help?”

Connor shakes his head, recalling his mother’s hopeful face after a few weeks of yoga, “No. Didn’t fix me. I’m still pretty fucked up.”

“Well...therapy isn’t really supposed to fix you. I don’t think,” Evan tells him, “Did you like it, at least?”

“Eh, well, I mean…” Connor shifts uncomfortably, “I guess. Kinda.”

“Then that’s all that matters.”

“Do you like my sister?” Connor asks bluntly.

That nervous tick returns to Evan’s hands and he wrings his shirt, “I-- I-- um…” he shrugs, “She’s a great person. I just...I wish I could talk to her.”

“So talk to her,” Connor tells him, “Grow a pair. Just say hi. She’s not gonna bite your head off.”

Evan laughs nervously, “That’s, um-- I don’t do well with conversation.”

“We’re having a conversation now,” Connor points out.

“Yeah...yeah, we are.”

He wonders how Evan can get through life being nervous about having regular conversations with people. Connor notices that Evan gets weirdly quiet after that. He picks at his nails, carefully avoiding Connor’s gaze. “Are you, um...I can drive you home now?” Evan asks, though it’s not a question.

“Sure,” Connor says, putting the glass on the floor. “Let’s go.”

The drive back to Connor’s house is quiet, but not uncomfortable. At least for Connor it’s not. Evan drums the steering wheel with his fingers, taking breaths that are much to deep for a short drive. He liked talking with Evan, thinking it was kind of cute how flustered he gets.

“You don’t have to be afraid of me, you know,” Connor says, as they pull into his driveway, “I’m not gonna, like...come murder you now that I know where you live.”

“I-- no, I know,” Evan says, though his eyes look slightly wider, “I know.”

“See ya,” Connor says, as he exits the car, heading out back so he can sneak into his room without having to answer any unwanted questions about his whereabouts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Comments and/or advice are appreciated!


	3. THREE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor watches Evan at school and Evan talks to Zoe.
> 
> TW: mentions of drug use

Connor spent the weekend holed up in his room. Except for the mandatory family dinners, Connor locked himself away doing some of his favorite activities: sleeping, reading, smoking a bowl, and even doing some yoga. It wasn’t the first time he’d done yoga high, but it was always a great experience. Usually, he just ended up laying on the floor for a few hours, his mind a fuzzy haze.

At school, though, he starts to watch for Evan more and more. Did he even know that they had English and anatomy together? He usually kept to the back of the classroom, drawing in his notebook, listening to music if he could get away with it. He notices Evan tries to stay near the back as well, but he listened intently, writing down an insane amount of notes.

Connor can’t hide as well in anatomy, not with his strict, slightly terrifying teacher. But now he could ignore the lecture and sneak some glances at Evan. He was pretty tan, with light freckles on his nose. Probably from climbing trees all the time. Evan looks over at Connor once during class, giving him a little smile. Connor doesn’t look at him the rest of class.

As he heads out to the car after school, he passes by Zoe’s locker as he always does to tell her to hurry up. He’s stopped short by the sight of Evan nervously speaking with Zoe. She wasn’t into it, he could tell. And her politeness was leaving, just like she was, as she inched away from him towards the parking lot. 

Connor walks by slowly, Evan still standing there a little dumbfounded. “You talk to her?” Connor asks the other boy.

Evan can only nod.

“What did she say?” he asks, standing in front of Evan.

“Not much,” Evan says, with a sigh, scrunching up his face, “I just kind of blathered at her about the weather.”

“The weather?!” Connor snorts, “That is the lamest thing to talk to anyone about.”

“I panicked,” Evan says, wringing his hands.

“No kidding,” Connor says, as he turns to leave, “Try something less lame next time. See ya, Hansen.”

Connor and Zoe’s rides home are usually slightly tense and silent. Connor’s feeling good today, though, and he’s honestly super curious if Zoe likes Evan back. “Saw that Evan kid talking to you today,” Connor says carefully.

“Yeah. So?” Zoe says defensively.

“Nothing,” he says, taking a deeper breath, trying to keep himself from becoming angry at her defensive attitude. That was not going to help him here. “He likes you, you know.”

“What?!” Zoe shouts, turning to him, “How do you know that?”

Connor shrugs, “He told me.”

“What, so you’re like... _ friends  _ now?”

“No,” Connor tells her flatly, “But we talked for like...a minute. I found something of his. And he said he liked you.”

Zoe sighs, shaking her head, looking out the window. She doesn’t say anything for awhile and Connor wonders what she’s thinking.  _ Does she like him too? _ He doesn’t really think so, but who knows? He and Zoe haven’t been close in a long time. Evan Hansen might be just her type.

“Well?” Connor asks, because the silence is killing him, “Do you like him back?”

She shakes her head, thumping it against the window, “No. He’s a nice kid or whatever, but, no. I like someone else.”

Connor can’t help but smile at that, at the thought of his little sister having a crush. It feels like it’s been so long since the two of them have had a normal conversation, he hopes he doesn’t mess it up. “Who  _ do _ you like?”

“Pfft, I’m not telling you,” she snips back, “Who do  _ you _ like?”

Connor scoffs at that. The last time he liked someone, from afar, always from afar, he had to watch that boy date this little blonde haired, preppy girl. It struck him, then, that he wasn’t really the type of person anyone liked back. He had kept everyone at arm's length since, so there was no one else who was even his friend - though, for a brief moment, dark green eyes, tan skin, and light freckles flashed through his mind. But he pushed that thought away just as quickly.

“No one,” he told her plainly, “I don’t  _ like _ anyone.”

“Yeah, you can say that again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a rough idea of where I want this to go, but any input would be appreciated!


	4. FOUR

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor runs over to Evan's house, but this time on purpose. Heidi is there and Connor delivers some bad news.

After school that week, Connor begins to run again. When he’s not running away from something, he struggles to figure out where he is going to run. He stretches in the driveway for a few minutes before shrugging, taking off the same way he went last time, the same way to Evan’s house.

Was he going to run all the way to Evan’s house?  _ Could _ he even run all the way to Evan’s house again? He was fueled by anger last time. The itch to run is a lot less of a motivator for his body. But he figures he would try anyway.

He sets an easy pace, his legs burning in a pleasing way. With his hair out of his face, it’s a lot easier to look around at the passing houses. He thinks about the people inside them, wondering what they are like. Are they as fucked up as he and his family? He doubts it. 

The heat of the afternoon starts to get to him. Sweat pours down his face, his armpits, and covers his back. The further he goes, the more fatigued he gets, and the harder it is to breath. He knows he is nowhere close to Evan’s house, but he knows he won’t be able to make it back at this pace. With a sigh, he turns around, jogging home slowly.

At school, Connor doesn’t speak to Evan anymore. He tries his hardest to avoid looking at him during class, but it’s hardest when he’s bored, when Evan sits there scribbling notes, trying his absolute best.

When they leave one afternoon, Zoe is the one who comes to find him, grabbing him by the arm. “Connor, will you please talk to Evan?”

“What?” Connor asks, confused, as Zoe leads him out the door towards the parking lot, “Why?”

“He’s still, like...trying to flirt with me,” Zoe tells him in hushed tones. 

Connor can’t help but cackle, removing his arm from her grasp. “You’re not flattered?”

“No!” Zoe says, getting into the passenger seat as they get to the car, “I told you, I don’t like him like that.”

“Why don’t you just tell him?” Connor suggests, as he starts the car. 

“I can’t,” Zoe whines, “Will you? You’re his friend.”

“I’m not his friend,” Connor tells her, “You just don’t want to tell him?”

“I don’t want to break his heart,” Zoe says, frowning out the window, “I’ve never rejected someone before.”

Connor sighs, annoyed, “I don’t want to break his heart either.”

“You won’t be,” Zoe turns back to him, pleading, “It’ll be like...bros helping bros. One bro helping out a friend. So he’s not embarrassing himself.”

“Urgh...fine!” he concedes, “I will tell him. But when I do, you still have to be nice to him. No, like...ignoring him. I’m pretty sure his mind would fry if he thought you hated him.”

She squeals happily, “Absolutely. No hate, only friendship.”

Connor decides to go for a run, trying to make it all the way to Evan’s house this time. He could just drive over, like a normal person, but he wasn’t really friends with Evan, so he figured showing up at his house like that would be weird. Stumbling upon his house after a run, though, was less weird.  _ Right? _

He brought along his music this time, settling from some old school Green Day for the run. He always enjoyed the “screw you” attitude of 90s music and it always gave him a little bit more pep when he ran. He almost made it all the way to Evan’s house earlier in the week, so he thinks he can make it there this time. 

But when he makes it to where he turned around last time, he’s less sure. His legs ache, his chest hurts, and even his head pounds with exertion. He figures he’ll be able to walk the rest of the way there, though, and if need be, he can beg Evan for a ride home again.

When he finally reaches Evan’s house, he’s suddenly struck by how ridiculous his plan had been. He barely knows Evan, was invited in only because it looked like he was going to pass out on the street, and now he just shows up wanting to talk?

So he stalls. He walks a little up the block from Evan’s house, fiddling with his phone, turning off the music. He walks back again trying to gather up the courage to do this. In truth, it is the thirst that gets him to go up to Evan’s door and knocks. Surely the other boy will offer him some water again.

“Connor?” Evan says, a shocked look at his face. “What are you doing here?”

“I was going for a run. Passed by your place. I wanted to say hey,” Connor says, trying to be smooth. “Can I come in?”

Evan looks back quickly, “Um...sure, yeah.”

“Who is it, honey?” a voice calls out from a back room upstairs.

“It’s, um...it’s Connor,” Evan winces slightly, calling out to his mother.

“Who?” Connor hears, as footsteps approach them on the stairs to the upstairs. “Oh!” she says, simply grinning at the pair of them. “Hi, Connor! I didn’t know Evan was going to have friends over.”

Evan groans again, looking back at Connor, “Connor’s...he’s, um…”

“I was on a run, Mrs. Hansen,” Connor offers, sensing Evan’s anxiousness at the situation, “I just thought I would stop in and see Evan.”

“Please, call me Heidi,” she says with a smile, “Can I get you boys something? You must be thirsty, Connor.”

“I am, actually,” he says, looking over at Evan with a slight smile. He never realized how much he would enjoy making Evan uncomfortable, but it comes so easily.

Connor follows Evan’s mother into the kitchen. It is so unlike his own. The whole house is unlike his own. The house looks lived in, only theirs, unique. He can’t help but notice the  _ cock _ , or rather, rooster theme the kitchen has and he turns to raise his eyebrows suggestively at Evan.

“Here you are,” Heidi says, offering Connor a large glass of water.

“Thank you,” he says, drinking it deeply.

“So,” she begins, looking between the two boys excitedly, “Are you in class with Evan?”

“Mmhmm,” Connors says behind the glass, “We have English and anatomy together.”

“That’s so nice!” Heidi says. She seems much more excited to meet Connor than he thinks anyone has ever been to meet him.

“Which is why...we need to work on homework,” Evan says, slowly backing out of the kitchen, “For anatomy. Big test coming up. Lots of studying.” He backs out of the kitchen, craning his neck to get Connor to follow him.

“Thanks, Heidi,” Connor says, holding up his water glass to her, as he follows Evan down the hall.

“You’re welcome!” she calls back, as the boys head to Evan’s room, “Let me know if you need anything else!”

“Your mom’s super nice,” Connor comments, following Evan into his room. Evan shuts the door behind them and quickly goes to sit in his desk chair. Connor looks around Evan’s room, so unlike his own. It’s neat and clean, with a blue flannel bedspread, and nature pictures on the walls.  _ This is exactly how I imagined Evan’s room would be _ , Connor thought, before wondering when he had ever thought about Evan’s room before.

But Evan looked like he was freaking out a little bit, his head in his hands, his eyes shut tight. “What’s wrong?” Connor asks carefully. 

“I-- I’m sorry, I just…” Evan stammers, “I wasn’t expecting you, or anyone really, and-- and-- you met my mom and she’s so happy because I don’t have friends. Now you’re here and she’ll think we’re friends and she’ll want you to come for dinner or something and--”

“Woah, woah,” Connor says, the anger beginning to prickle up his spine, “You don’t want to be my friend, huh?”

“No!” Evan says louder than necessary, “That’s not it. I-- um...I didn’t think  _ you _ would want to be  _ my _ friend.”

Connor shrugs, the anger leaving him as quickly as it came, “I don’t have any friends and...well, this is the first time I’ve visited someone’s house twice in the same week, so...that’s a good start to a friendship, right?”

The smile that crosses Evan’s lips is still hesitant, but Connor can’t help but smile back at him. “I--I guess that is a good start.”

“Good,” Connor says, going to sit down cross legged on Evan’s bed. He suddenly dreads what he came here to do. He tries to rationalize that Evan will still be his friend, that he only just got Evan as a friend so if he didn’t, no big deal. But it seemed a big deal. He actually... _ liked _ spending time with Evan. Evan was the first person in a long time he didn’t push away. 

“Actually...I came here to tell you something too,” Connor tells him, carefully, finishing the last of his water, setting the cup on the nightstand.

“Oh?” Evan asks, suddenly hesitant again, “Wh-what is it?”

“Zoe…” Connor begins, picking at the nail polish on his thumbs, “Zoe, she, um...she likes someone else.” It takes a moment for him to process, but Evan nods in recognition, taking a deep breath, before fiddling with the threads in his shirt. “I told her to tell you herself, but she said she thought it would be better coming from a  _ bro _ , whatever that means.”

“No, yeah, of course,” Evan nods, though Connor thinks he can see some tears forming in the corner of the other boy’s eyes, “Of course she likes someone else. Why would...why wouldn’t she?”

Connor can’t help but feel like he may have fucked up this boy. He remembers Evan’s letter to himself,  _ All my hope is pinned on Zoe _ . “It’s fine, man. My sister’s not that great. You’ll find someone else."

Evan laughs at that, spinning around in the chair, “Yeah, sure, people are just lining up to go out with Evan Hansen. It’s...I just thought…” Evan sighs, shaking his head, “I didn’t even, like, know her. But I thought if I could get to know her, she might...she would…It’s just so stupid now. I’m just an idiot.”

_ Would anybody even notice if I disappeared tomorrow? _ The question from the note hangs heavy in Connor’s mind. He knows what it’s like to want to disappear, to want to die, and that note certainly sounded like it.  _ Now that this kid’s hope of being with Zoe is gone, what does he have to live for? _

“You don’t have to stay,” Evan told him, biting his lips, “But, um...thank you for telling me. I’m sure you don’t want to be here any more.”

Connor suddenly felt a very real connection with Evan. He felt that Evan actually did need a friend and, even though he was sure he was the shittiest choice, Connor could be there for him. “Are you kicking me out already?” Connor says, laying down on Evan’s bed, “I thought we were just starting to hang out.”

“Oh,” Evan said, looking slightly baffled at the request. “Sure. Let’s...hang out.”


	5. FIVE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan ignores Connor and Connor doesn't like it. Talking it out ensues.

This week seemed different. It was different. Connor could practically feel the dejection rolling off Evan in waves. He made peace with the fact that, yeah, he was staring at Evan throughout class. But they had become friends last week, right? They hung out, they talked. That’s what friends did.

But it was different here at school. Whenever Evan saw Connor, he avoided eye contact with him, purposefully avoiding Connor when he came down the halls. He even practically ran out of school at the end of the day when he saw Connor coming towards his locker.

Connor was running even more now after school, but in the opposite direction. It helped a bit, but he could feel the anger seething inside of him, festering in his mind.  _ Who the fuck does this kid think he is? Just talked to me once, then what? Make fun of me behind my back? _

One day at the end of school, Connor made it a point to walk quickly towards Evan’s locker. The other boy made eye contact with him, before looking at the ground quickly, and turning on his heel. The rage in his body boiled over and Connor rushed over and pushed Evan into a locker.

“What the fuck, Hansen?” Connor asked, holding the other boy’s shoulder against the locker. “Too good to talk to me at school? Don’t want to associate with the school freak?”

Evan’s breath visibly quickened, looking around desperately. “I- I- I- no, I’m just,” he said breathily, “I thought-- you were--”

“Thought I was what, huh?” Connor supplied, “Thought I’d fucking snap? Hurt you or something?” Though it’s then he realizes he was the one who was holding Evan against a locker, even as he was looking visibly distressed.

Connor lets go of Evan’s shoulder and while he looks relieved for a moment, the same troubled look comes back onto his face. “You-- you don’t have to...talk to me.”

Of all the things Connor might have expected Evan to say, this was not one of them. “What?” Connor says, his anger almost fully gone now. “I’ve been trying to talk to you all week.”

“I- I- know Zoe told you to,” Evan tells him again, finally looking up into his eyes, “S-she asked if you told me and I said yes, she said she was sorry and I was like it’s fine, totally fine.” Evan takes a deep, slightly shaky breath. “I know you just came to tell me she doesn’t like me. Thank you, I guess...but you don’t-- I mean, I know-- um…” he fidgets with the straps on his backpack, “You don’t have to pretend to be my friend anymore. You were just being nice, I’m sure. I know Zoe doesn’t like me and I-- I won’t bother her anymore. Okay?” he tells Connor.

Connor has to physically take a step back for a second, as he looks Evan up and down. Evan’s been so upset about Zoe and here he is, making it worse. And Evan thought Connor did that just to be  _ nice? _

“Evan,” Connor tells him slowly, “When am I ever nice?”

“Oh, well, um…” Evan scrunches up his face, shrugging, “I’m sure there are people--”

“There’s no one I’m nice to,” he says, though he thinks that that’s not entirely true anymore, “I wanted to tell you so...so maybe you wouldn’t...hang all your hopes on Zoe.” He wonders if Evan remembers he read his note. He wouldn’t forget if someone read his maybe suicide note, so he’s pretty sure Evan remembers.

“Right,” Evan says, looking down at his shoes.

“But,” Connor says, now his turn to feel awkward about this situation, “I kinda...liked hanging out with you. Even if Zoe didn’t have the balls to tell you to your face. So...now that you don’t like my sister and you know that I didn’t just tell you that to be nice, because I’m not nice, do you wanna still...hang out?”

He winces slightly at that.  _ I’m not nice, please be my friend _ . Not the best reason to hang out with someone. But Evan smiles slightly, nodding, “Sure. Do you...wanna come over? Now? After school?”

Connor snorts a laugh and nods, “Sure. I’ll...meet you at your car, okay?” He heads outside to find a slightly pissed off Zoe at the car. But when he hands her the keys and says to go home herself, she’s actually a little bit happier. 

“Where are you going?” she inquires.

“None of your business,” he tells her, turning on his heel to go, “Don’t crash it.”

“Only a little bit!” she says, smiling as she slams the door closed.

No one is home when they get back to Evan’s house and Connor is glad that he can just hang out with Evan like that. Not that he wants to get Evan alone or anything, but after getting so angry, he’s not sure how pleasant he could have been for Evan’s mom. 

Evan suggests they watch tv or play a video game and Connor opts for Mario Kart. Evan is so much better than him, it is almost painful to watch, but for the first time in a very long time, Connor is having fun. And not the same kind of fun like when he gets high and watches porn all day, but like real, human connection, laughing at stupid shit fun. He feels almost spoiled, like he doesn’t deserve this. What the fuck is his life, anyway? He’s such an asshole all the time, why should he get to enjoy anything? But spending time here, with Evan, those thoughts in his head are quieted to a murmur.

As it’s getting later, Connor feels that Evan’s tolerance for company is wearing, so he says he’s gonna go. “I can drive you,” Evan offers, getting up to show Connor to the door.

“Nah,” Connor tells him, “I haven’t run today yet. I need to.”

“You like running a lot, huh?” Evan asks, as they head to the door.

Connor ponders this for a moment, before shrugging, “It’s something to do. Don’t think too much when I run.”

“Yeah,” Evan tells him, “I try not to think so much when I hike in the woods.”

Connor nods in agreement as he heads out, “See ya, Hansen. Don’t ignore me anymore.”

Evan laughs nervously, “I- I won’t.”

The run home is easier, now that Connor is familiar with it. His feet ache, though, since he still has his Converse on, not totally prepared for a long run in his school clothes. But he’s grateful for the time to think. He tells himself that he needs to keep his anger in check. There are only so many times someone will forgive you after pushing them into a locker. He also tells himself he should maybe keep an eye on Evan, after this whole Zoe debacle. He vows that he nor his sister are going to be the reason Evan tries to off himself.

When he gets home, sweaty and disheveled, he finds Zoe and Alana sitting in their living room watching  _ Mean Girls _ . “Oh great, Lana’s here,” Connor says, heading to the kitchen for some water.

“You look like shit,” Zoe calls out to him, “Where were you?”

“I told you, none of your business,” he says, returning with a big glass of water.

“You were at Evan’s, weren’t you?” Zoe asks, a small smile on her face, “Is he your friend now?”

“I don’t have friends,” Connor reminds them, as he sits on the floor.

“You ran all the way here?” Alana asks, “From Evan’s house?”

Connor shrugs, finishing the water, “Wouldn’t be the first time.”

“Wow,” Alana says, sounding genuinely impressed, “You should try out for the track team.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still only have a rough idea of what's gonna happen. Any thoughts or ideas are appreciated!


	6. SIX

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alana is Connor's cheerleader and Evan convinces him to go on a walk.

_ Join the track team. What a stupid fucking idea. _

As the week goes on, though, Alana is suddenly his biggest cheerleader. She tries to talk with him at the end of school, as he tries to hurry Zoe along to the car. There is a flier stuck on his locker for indoor track tryouts next Thursday, which he promptly crumbles up and throws in the trash. And the next time Alana is at their house, she offers to time him if he ever wants.

Connor avoids her as best he can, but it’s hard - she’s persistent. And he knows that she’s a passionate person, but he’s not, so it’s wearing thin on him. After school, he’s busied himself with his own project: running over to Evan’s house. In fact, that after school run has suddenly become the best part of his day. He’s getting faster, stronger, and at the end, Evan is always there to hang out with him. They watch movies, play video games, and one time Evan even convinced him to play Risk. 

When Connor arrives at his house one afternoon, Evan is there to greet him at the door with a big glass of water. Connor can’t help but look confused, but slightly amused at the sight. “Hi, honey, I’m home?” he says, taking the glass from him, drinking deeply. 

Evan laughs softly, a slight blush coloring his cheeks, “I, um...well, it’s nice out and I thought you might take a walk with me.”

“A walk?” Connor says, breathing deeply to slow his heart rate down again, “You know I just ran like ten miles here, right?” 

“I know,” Evan tells him, shaking his head, “I know, I’m sorry. And you can say no, if you want, of course. But, um...I thought you might want to...walk in the park with me. It’s a nice park and we have to drive there, so you can sit down for a little while, and I can get you some more water if you’re--”

“Stop,” Connor tells him, holding up a hand, “I’ll go on a walk with you. If only so you stop talking.”

He takes the water and heads to Evan’s car. The drive is short, but Evan looks excited the entire time. Connor just watches him with a little smile on his face. He wonders to himself if he might have a little crush on Evan. He doesn’t like anyone, he reminds himself, but it just doesn’t feel accurate anymore. These past few weeks, he’s been spending time with Evan and it’s been easy. It’s never that easy for him to hang out with anyone.

But he thinks that’s maybe what friends do. Friends like to hang out with each other. Friends don’t stare at their friend’s faces, thinking about how soft and warm their lips might be, but he’s just...daydreaming. He can’t ruin their friendship by having some little crush on Evan.

They park in front of a small, but dense forest, with a walking trail snaking through the trees. Connor’s never been one for walking through the woods, but he can see the appeal. The trees are dense, it’s cool under here, but the sunlight shines through the leaves, painting a golden tapestry on the forest floor. And it feels so...alive here. Bugs and birds and little mammals scurry around, making little sounds that are loud, but also somehow calming.

Connor’s never been here before, but he feels like he should have been. “Is this where you come a lot?” Connor asks, following Evan as he heads onto the walking path.

Evan nods, walking along with his hands in his pockets, as he stares up at the trees. “It’s where I worked during the summer,” he tells him, “It was my job to walk around this and a few other parks. Make sure they’re clean, the path is clear, no one is lost or hurt.”

“You probably loved that,” Connor tells him, with a smile, “With your...weird thing for trees. Is this turning you on now?” Connor asks, but immediately regrets it. The best way to continue his relationship with his only, probably very straight friend is not asking if something turns him on.

Evan sighs, but laughs softly, shaking his head, “N-no, no, I don’t have a  _ tree thing _ . I just...I like being out here, in nature. It’s...it calms me down. Cause, you know...I get anxious sometimes.”

“You? Anxious?” Connor shakes his head, “I don’t believe it.”

Evan rolls his eyes, “I know, I know, hard to believe. But...doesn’t this just...don’t you just  _ feel _ different out here?” Evan points to a tree, a tall, sturdy one, as he looks up to the branches. “That tree has been here for at least a hundred years, maybe more. And here we are, today, just getting to experience it. They live so long and we…” he stops short, not finishing the rest of his sentence.

Connor imagines that Evan doesn’t want to bring up death in front of him, after his last suicide attempt. It wasn’t a secret and Connor was doing better, but...Connor worried if there would always be voices in his head telling him to kill himself. “But, um...is this where you fell out of the tree?” he asks, trying to change the subject.

“Uhm...no,” Evan says, his face still pinched in discomfort, “No, that was...at another park.”

Connor nods - he can tell Evan is uncomfortable, but he’s genuinely curious about what happened to him. “Do you know when you’ll get the cast off?”

“About three more weeks,” Evan tells him, as his free hand ghosts over the cast, over Connor’s name printed in bold on it. 

“I’m sure it itches like crazy,” Connor says, lifting up his own right hand, “I broke my wrist in 4th grade. Fell down the stairs. It itched so much. I would stick things down there to try and scratch. Sometimes they would get stuck. Like piece of pasta.”

“You stuck pasta down your cast?” Evan asks, amused, as they continue to walk through the trees.

“Like the long, spaghetti type. It was thin enough to fit down there and I could hide it pretty well,” Connor says, elaborating when Evan gives him a confused look, “At first, I stuck a knife down my cast. It was just a butter knife, but my mom freaked out, so…” He shrugs at the memory. Even back then, he was labeled the troubled kid, the kid who couldn’t be trusted, the kid who might snap at a moments notice.

Evan nods in understanding, “I guess she was just worried about you.”

“I guess,” he says with a shrug, “But I was still cute back then.”

Evan laughs nervously, “You-you’re still…” he stutters, “I mean, I’m sure your mom still thinks you’re cute.”

Connor looks over at Evan, biting his lip.  _ Did he just almost call me cute? _ But the paranoid part of his brain tells him of course not, that Evan’s just making conversation. “I’m sure I’m too problematic now to be cute.”

“Moms always think their kids are cute,” Evan tells him, “Always.”

Connor just laughs as they make their way along the circular trail, over and over, wandering easily through the woods. Their conversation comes easily and sometimes not at all, falling into an easy silence. By the time Connor notices, the golden light of the afternoon is gone and the setting sun casts long shadows through the trees. It’s even darker in the dense forest - it’s interesting to see just how different the forest looks in the changing light.

Evan suggests they head home, apologizing for keeping him so long. He offers to drive Connor home, which he happily accepts - his feet are killing him by now, even with his running shoes on.

“So...are you going to try out for the track team?” Evan asks, as he pulls into the Murphy driveway.

“How’d you know about that?” Connor asks, wondering how long Evan has been holding onto that question.

He shrugs, though, innocently, “I just saw the flyer on your locker.”

Connor rolls his eyes - Alana, of course. “I’m not sure I am.”

Evan nods, looking down at the steering wheel, “I think you should. You’re really good at it. They’d-- they’d be lucky to have you.”

Connor smiles just a bit, looking over to assess Evan. Maybe Evan just doesn’t want to see Connor anymore and he figures this is a good way to get rid of him. But even Connor’s mind can’t rationalize that thought fully. Evan is just trying to give him some advice, telling him to pursue something that makes him happy. 

“I’ll think about it,” Connor tells him, as he slowly gets out of the car, “See ya later, Hansen.”


	7. SEVEN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor finally decides if he is going to try out for the track team.

Thursday rolls around and with it, track tryouts. Connor doesn’t want to tell anyone whether or not he is going to try out, he’s not even sure himself when he wakes up. But he throws his running bag in the back of the car that morning, so he guesses that answers the question for him.

“Are you trying out for track?” Zoe asks, as she joins him in the car.

Connor gives her a noncommittal shrug, as he gets in the driver’s seat, “I dunno. We’ll see.”

Zoe rolls her eyes at him, as she checks her phone, “Will you please tell me? I need to ask Alana if she needs to bring me home or not.”

“I don’t know, Zoe,” Connor says pointedly, feeling twitches of annoyance prickle his skin. 

“Can you tell me by the end of the day?” she asks with a sigh.

Connor sighs heavily, but nods, “Sure. I will let you know.”

Throughout the day, Alana has smiled at him at every opportunity, even coming up to him, squeezing his arm and telling him good luck. Evan has given him that same kind of smile too, the one that seems to convey a sense of pride in him. Connor has no idea how to accept this kind of support. So he just nods and keeps his head down.

He waits until the very end of the day, finding Zoe at her locker to finally tell her that he’s staying after school. Zoe smiles at him as well, practically giddy with excitement for him. 

“You’re gonna do great,” Zoe tells him, bouncing on the balls of her feet.

“Yeah, yeah,” he says, turning around to head to the gym, “I’ll see you at home.”

There’s about a dozen guys at tryouts, with his old gym teacher, Coach Kaminski. She begins yelling at all of them to take some laps around the gym. He used to sneak out to the woods to sit and smoke, so he’s never actually put this much effort into anything in this gym. 

The laps are easy and he’s near the head of the pack. This is where he thrives, the long run, the dull but constant ache that he secretly likes. The sprints, though, wear him out in a new way and he’s sweating like a pig by the end of them. When he nearly trips on the last one, Connor’s sure he’s fucked it all up. He barely hears Coach K tell them she’ll post the team tomorrow, before he storms out of there in a flurry of self-loathing.

He holds himself up in his room all night, angry at himself. Angry that he got his hopes up. Angry that he even wanted to be a part of something. Angry that everyone will look at him with pity now. Just plain angry. He’s not proud of himself when he punches his already sore legs, leaving bruises. But he needs some kind of release. 

At school the next day, that anger still smolders in his chest. He tries to avoid Alana and Evan, not wanting to deal with them right now. But, of course, Alana finds him anyway. The smile on her face, though, is not the kind he expected.

“Congratulations!” she says, clutching her books tightly, “I knew you could do it.”

“What?” he asks her, disoriented by her happiness.

“You made the team!” she says, pointing to the list posted down the hall from them.

“But...I blew it. I fucked up the tryout,” he tells her, walking slowly over to check out the list.

Alana shrugs, before turning to head off to class, “I guess not that much.”

And there in black and white:  _ Connor Murphy - 1,500 meter _ . He did it. He made the team. The smile that spreads across his face surprises himself, but he can’t help it. But he only wants to do one thing: he has to tell Evan.

However, when he gets to Evan’s locker, he sees another boy there, one that sours his mood immediately. He considers turning around, walking away, telling Evan later, but Evan’s already spotted him, giving him a little wave. Connor gives Evan a little smile, walking over to them.

“Wait, what the hell is this?” Jared says, looking between Connor and Evan, “You two are friends? Please tell me you guys aren’t forming some Columbine, murder-suicide duo?”

Evan gives Jared a confused, then hard look, “Jared, please.”

“What?” Jared laughs, “I’m just wondering how this happened. It’s not like you’re a social butterfly, Evan.”

“Goodbye, Jared,” Evan says, pulling Connor by the shoulder away.

“Oh my god, you’re dating!” Jared says, a little louder than necessary, as the two of them walk away, “Why didn’t you just say so?”

“I’m sorry,” Evan says, as the pair walks down the hall, “He’s- he’s…”

“Don’t worry about it,” Connor says. He’s still smiling to himself, even the run in with Jared not enough to put a damper on his spirits right now. “I did it.”

“Huh?” Evan says, confused, before his face brightens, “Wait, you did it? You made the team? Oh my god, that’s amazing!” Evan reaches out to squeeze Connor’s arm. Connor kind of wants to hug Evan - he can’t remember the last time he  _ wanted _ to hug anyone - but he refrains. He’s not in the mood for any more jokes from other random teenagers.

“Yeah, I...I thought I blew it,” Connor tells Evan, “But I guess I did okay.”

“Okay enough to get on the team,” Evan says with a smile. “I guess...I won’t see you after school anymore now.”

Connor pauses - he hadn’t thought of that. He hadn’t really realized how much time he was spending with Evan until this moment. Almost every day, he would run over to Evan’s house where he would stay and hang out with him until dinner. It was kind of like their routine now. But Connor would have practice and that made him more upset than he wanted to admit. 

Connor shrugs, “I’ll still see you around.”

Evan gives him a little smile, but Connor can see the sadness behind it. “S-sure, yeah, of course. I’ll, um...I need to get to class,” Evan says. “Good job, though. Really. You’re gonna do great.” As he leaves, Connor can tell that Evan means it, with that adorable, genuine smile on his face.

Connor realizes that he’s going to have to make things work with Evan. It’s been so long since he’s had a friend, he’s not ready to lose that now.


	8. EIGHT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor asks Evan to go on a run. Evan challenges Connor to a tree climbing contest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions of suicide attempts

Connor is so tired, all the time it seems. He’s been tired before. He’s spent days in bed, not having the mental or physical energy to even take a shower. But this is a whole new kind of tired. 

And the thing is, Connor doesn’t seem to mind it. The ache, the burn, the feeling of accomplishment, they all lead to a good night’s rest. That’s something that has eluded him in the past, and he’s not hating it now.

The thing that’s missing from his life now is Evan. Connor is either at practice or at home, usually lying in his bed. Connor wonders why the absence of Evan affects him like this and he realizes just how much he misses the other boy. When they would hang out, Connor felt like Evan didn’t force him to talk. When he just wanted to sit, Evan let him sit. When Connor got irrationally angry at something, Evan would look squeamish and awkward for awhile, but Evan would give him space. Connor would calm down and they could go back to their easy, companionable time together. 

This Friday they have off from school, due to Parent Teacher conferences, and Connor knows what he wants to do. That afternoon, he throws his running bag in the car and heads over to Evan’s house.

When Evan opens the door, he looks genuinely surprised. “Connor,” he says, a smile across his face, “What are you doing here?”

“We’re hanging out,” Connor says, pushing his way past Evan, heading up towards his room.

“Oh,” Evan says, following Connor, slightly confused, “Okay, we-well, what are we doing?”

“Running,” Connor thinks better of it, and heads towards the bathroom, “Get in some work out clothes. I’m taking you on a run.”

“What?!” Evan utters, confused, blocking Connor’s path “No, Connor, I don’t want to go running. I’m not good at running. I- I’m always last at the mile in gym class.”

“Pssh,” Connor tuts, pushing past Evan to go into the bathroom, “You don’t have to be fast. Don’t worry, it’s not a race.” But right before Connor closes the door, he grins at Evan, “If it was, though, I’d win.”

A few minutes later, Connor and Evan are stretching out in the driveway. “Why do we have to do this?” Evan says quizzically, watching Connor intently as he copies his movements.

“Warm the muscles up,” Connor tells him with a smirk, “Didn’t you listen in gym class?”

“Yes,” Evan defends, “But...I was never very good in gym class. I tried to...um, well...I tried to stay in the back a lot. Especially when we played games.”

Connor nods in agreement, “Yeah. I used to hide over by the trees when we would do stuff outside. Maybe smoke out there. Anything to get out of it.”

Evan laughs softly, nodding, “Yeah. Just like that.”

Connor can’t help but watch Evan a little bit longer as he stretches, smiling a little bit to himself. But he has to shake those thoughts away. “C’mon. Let’s go.”

He sets an easy pace, jogging along the street, in the direction of his own house. It’s a route he knows, even if they won’t go all the way there. Evan keeps a good pace with Connor...for just a few minutes. Soon, though, it is clear that Evan is struggling. He falls quite a ways behind Connor and is breathing heavily. Connor falls back, slowing his pace to a brisk walk to be next to him, “You done already?”

“This is…” Evan pants, slowing down to a walk as well, “awful. How do you...do this?”

Connor laughs softly, shrugging, “It’s kind of nice, once you get used to it.”

“Nope,” Evan tells him, clutching his side, “this is terrible.”

“We’ve barely gone half a mile,” Connor says, checking his phone.

“I don’t...run so much…” Evan admits, slowing down practically to a crawl.

“That much is clear,” Connor jokes, “You should get out of the house more.”

“Hey,” Evan says, standing up indignantly, but immediately doubles over again, “I get out...of the house plenty. Just not...to run.”

“Oh yeah,” Connor says, gesturing around to the trees in the neighborhood, “Walking in the forest, climbing trees…”

“Climbing trees is hard,” Evan says, getting his breath back, pointing at Connor. “That’s how I broke my arm, by the way,” he says, lifting up his cast.

“Guess you must have done it wrong,” Connor says, with a smile. He notices Evan’s face go a little slack at that, so he changes the subject. “I bet I could climb faster. You know...long arms and all,” he says, lifting his own arms.

Evan snorts, shaking his head, “No way. You would have no idea how to get all the way up.”

“What?” Connor scoffs himself, “Just go up. That’s it.”

“Then prove it,” Evan says, turning around, heading back towards his house, “Let’s go climb a tree.”

Twenty minutes later, after a water break and a short car ride, they’re back in the park where they took that sunset walk a couple weeks ago. Connor really enjoys this place. It’s a little colder now, but he doesn’t mind it, and some of the leaves are starting to change colors. 

“Alright. Which one are we going to climb?” Connor asks, looking around at all of the trees.

“This way,” Evan says with a little smile on his face, heading off of the trail, back into some denser trees. He leads Connor to a tree with a thick trunk, but lots of branches. “Alright,” Evan tells him, staring up into the mass of branches, “You want a head start?”

“Pssh,” Connor dismisses him, shaking his head, “No. Let’s go, Hansen.” He reaches up and grabs a grabs a low hanging branch, hoisting himself up easily. “Maybe I should give you a head start with that arm.”

Evan smiles up at the other boy, but shakes his head, “I don’t need it.” Evan reaches up to grab a lower branch, lifting himself despite the cast. It’s clear that Evan has climbed this tree before - before he knows it, Evan is already a branch above Connor and still going. 

Connor grins to himself, loving the friendly competition. He stands up on the branch he’s on, searching for the next branch. His long arms help him reach the distant branches, but he’s no match for Evan. Connor eventually slows down and watch as Evan races to the top of the tree.

A few minutes later, Connor reaches Evan, who is sitting on the last of the viable branches at the top of the tree. The other boy looks out at the forest, shadows falling across his face. Connor sits on a branch right below Evan, looking up at him. “I guess you won,” he says with a little smile.

Evan looks down at Connor and shrugs, “I’ve climbed this tree before. It wasn’t really fair. We could climb another tree…”

“Nah,” Connor says, shaking his head, “I’m done with tree climbing today.”

The pair of them sit in silence for awhile. A nice silence. A friendly silence. If you had told Connor a year ago that he would be climbing trees with Evan Hansen, he would have probably laughed in your face. He fully expected to be dead by now, if he is honest with himself. Climbing trees, running, video games, dinner together...Connor never thought he would enjoy the typical “friend” things, but he does. Maybe because he just really wanted a friend...or maybe because it’s just Evan.

“I didn’t fall,” Evan says suddenly, as he picks at the bark of the tree.

“Huh?” Connor says, being pulled out of his thoughts, glancing over at the other boy.

Evan fidgets with his shirt, looking down at his hands. “I- I jumped. I didn’t fall. When I broke my arm…”

Connor looks around the trunk of the tree at Evan directly, “You...jumped?”

“Yeah,” Evan breaths out, nodding, “This summer. At work. I was climbing this tree--”

“Wait,” Connor interrupts, “you brought us to climb your suicide tree?”

Evan’s cheeks twinge with color and he shrugs, “Yes?”

“Wow,” Connor breaths out, “That’s fucking dark, man.”

“I knew I could climb it,” Evan tells him, before going silent for a few moments. Connor’s not good at comforting people. He has no idea what to tell Evan that won’t make him sound like a total hypocrite.  _ It gets better? You shouldn’t think like that?  _ It all sounded cheap and wrong in his head.

“I- I just…” Evan continues, after the awkwardness of their silence, “I was at the top of the tree and I was just thinking about everything. About getting through this year, what I was going to do after that, how I was even going to cope…” He sighs, his hands stilling as he looks back out over the trees. “I thought dying in a forest would be a nice way to go.”

“I slit my wrists,” Connor admits, looking out into the distance as well, “Before school started. I was...angry. I didn’t want to go back to school, I didn’t want to talk about graduating, but, of course, that’s all my parents ever want to talk about. When my dad said I’d never get a job with my attitude, I locked myself in the bathroom.” 

Connor sighs at the memory of it. He remembers the anger in his chest, the way his stomach hurt from it. He just wanted a release. He just wanted it to go away. “I got in the tub, got the razor I keep stashed in there and...went to town,” he tells the other boy. “Zoe found me. I remember her screaming, then my mom screaming, and then I’m pretty sure I blacked out. Next thing I know I’m in a hospital.”

“At least someone found you,” Evan says, a dejected tone in his voice.

Connor looks over at Evan again, with sad eyes, “No one found you after you fell?”

Evan shakes his head, “Not for awhile. I was patrolling on my own, my mom didn’t answer her cell, so...I had to wait til my boss came around.”

“Holy shit,” Connor says, shaking his head. Evan didn’t deserve this, the pain, the anguish. Connor wishes he could take it away from him, bear it all himself. He’s gotten pretty used to the barrage of negative thoughts in his head. He would gladly take it all for the other boy. 

Connor, try as he might, can’t deny the feelings he had for Evan. He feels even closer to him now, after his confession. He actually feels a little bit nervous at the prospect - sharing things like this means someone trusts on you and he’s pretty shitty at being a trustworthy person. But the alternative is something he wouldn’t be able to bear. Now that he’s friends with Evan, he can’t even entertain the thought of losing him. 

“You wanna get out of here?” Connor asks, motioning down. “But like, climb down, not…” he says, hoping Evan doesn’t take offense.

But Evan just laughs softly and nods, “Yeah. Let’s go.”


End file.
